If you liked to party, you'll always like to party, at least a little. It's part of who you are. All those years of sloshing cheap booze down your gullet and getting blasted on bass have integrated party-time into your actual physical being. Those flashbacks don't come from nothing, and they ain't going nowhere.
These days though, you're feeling a little long in the tooth for a night out at da club. The walls shake too much and all those hormones make you feel funny. Penises are purposefully brushed against your booty and no one shows up before midnight. If you're wondering if you are actually too elderly to be at a spot where people gather for fun and future fornication, we've got 10 ways here to know for certain.
Does this give you tingles?
1. "It's too loud."
This is the most obvious sign that your old ass should be home in bed watching House of Cards.
Clubs are loud. And when you were young, that's exactly why you and your little friends flocked to them. Oh, the sweet, sweet noise! You used to sit your smooth, youthful ass straight on a speaker, cause you just had to feel the bass deep in your core.
Now that you're old, you're worried about your tinnitus. If you forgot earplugs, God help whatever friend is with you, cause they'll be hearing about it all.night.long. #Eyerollsgalore
2. The guy hitting on you could be your child.
When you were 15, of early child bearing age, this guy was... Well, he wasn't born. Start doing the math. This is fun for the newly single -- don't let the haters intimidate you with cougar status -- but by the end of the night, this not-yet-a-man will become the bane of your existence. Stick to an early evening make-out, and get home in time for Colbert.
All of your favorite things?
3. You can only identify Modest Mouse, New Order, or R Kelly songs.
Or basically anything that came out before 2005. If you say, even once, "My niece loves this song!" it's your job to gather your things and exit.
4. "The drinks are too expensive."
And you announce this opinion loudly with a grimace to the annoyance of the bartenders and children waiting for a tallboy behind you.
When you were young, you bought whatever was cheap. Now you're buying shit you actually enjoy drinking and shouting, "Isn't this a little pricey? This place used to be so affordable."
Time for mud mask and a date with Calgon (which you still have, cause you're old like that).
5. You taught most of the band performing or know their moms.
When you fit in at the club, you'd slept with most of the band. They were maybe a little older or a little younger than you. But now, these young'uns with drum sticks come up, not to remind you of your steamy night on the beach, but rather to say, "I'm taking your class again this semester, Professor OldFace!" And "My mom says hi!" Just sigh, grab your drink, and scan the crowd for another kindred gray-haired spirit.
You can relate.
6. "There's nowhere to sit."
You and your old friend look around for a place to pop a squat, cringing from the volume. "Why don't they have anywhere to sit? Why can't we find a place to talk in here?" You whine loudly, but no one can hear, because they're busy busting out a twerk and licking up on each other.
7. The other females in the bathroom are talking about their college classes and you're worried about waking up late for work.
If this is the case, you're already a few drinks in. So you broke the seal before you realized that you're ancient and shouldn't be there. At this point, accept your late fate, bum a cigarette and do a line with your new college-aged pals. There's no such thing as old till the next morning.
You totally saw this in the theater.
8. "It's late."
Well, it's not early. And the club isn't going to be bumping at 7 p.m., ever.
9. You know the owner, from high school.
And you dated his friend(s). You also know you're too aged for the club when all the promoters in the room are over the 35 and know your name. First and last.
10. People are wearing the same styles you wore when you first hit the club.
If you're wearing Ann Taylor and the girl next to you is sporting the same cutoffs you snipped when you were 17, it's time for bed.
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.