R. Kelly may be best known for possibly peeing on someone, but he's also a freaking fantastic R&B superstar. Your mama loves "I Believe I Can Fly" (you do too, be honest) and you've been jamming to "Ignition" since you first strapped on coochie cutters.
Kells brought his Single Ladies tour, white throne, and dazzling personality to the James L. Knight Center on Sunday night. The stage was set up with two bars, two bartenders, a full band, and four Latina ladies plucked from the crowd sitting on stools. The place was packed with swooning, screaming women in tight dresses and horny couples. It was possibly one of the most magnificent shows of the year. While our sister paper Miami New Times did a full review, we just jotted down the 10 craziest moments of the evening so you'll understand a little of R. Kelly's live charisma.
10. Crotch Grabbing
Many a woman caught a handful of R. Kelly's crotch that night. He stood close to the edge of the stage, angling it toward them, so they could get a good grip. And man did they go at it, fawning all over his legs and junk. Coulda sworn we saw a boner.
9. Time of Show Where He Can Say Whatever the Hell He Wants
That's how he described it.
"I get horny off my own shit sometimes. Just keeping it real," he admitted. Charming us, he added, "You look so pretty" to the single ladies. And to the couples, he advised, "And you don't got your shit tight, then you're gonna be single." A comedian he was. A horny one when he asked, "Who wants to be my baby's mama?" Well, everyone. Duh!
8. Good Sex
His baby's mama needed to offer him good sex, Kells told us. He asked his ladies in the crowd who could prove their good sex to him. One potential mother in the front row removed her shirt and whispered into R.'s ear. "Are you serious?" He said astonished, "That's some new shit to me." Did it involve live animals or lunch?
7. Two Hour Medley
After a 35-song medley, Kelly said he was done and read off the whole damn set list before launching into another 45 tunes.
6. Tha Throne
Yes, R. Kelly's people brought out a white throne, which is where he sat during the...
5. Whining Contest
Five local ladies competed for the singer's affections by sexy dancing on a little stage across the room. There was a clear winner, and, damn, she could dance.
4. Popping Up in the Crowd
The lights went out mid-show, and all we heard was R.'s voice repeating: "I'm in the audience. You don't see me? I'm right next to you." We all looked around like psychos, but couldn't even see the person next to us. Then the lights shown on him in one corner. While singing about "going down" he went down somewhere on some lucky single lady.
3. The Cage
Speaking of going down... On his way back to the stage, he grabbed a random hottie, brought her on stage, handed her a clipboard with a release. Two dudes then chained her inside a big white cage. Kells made his way in there and all we saw was a shadow of what he may have done to her. It was filthy.
2. Kells Karaoke
Possibly to rest is voice, for about 15 minutes, Kells sat down at the onstage bar, handed out drinks to people and let us sing.
1. Opera Song Dedicated to His Vocal Coach
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As he closed out and was handed black panties from the crowd, he said, "I wish the best for Obama." Then, he needed a hug, so someone in the crowd gave him one. Then he sang to us all "Get home safe." We melted.
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