Real Food Products That Only Sound Like a Joke

Snack foods that all but promise to send you to the emergency room. Fast-food items that invoke natural disasters and use meat in place of grains. Bacon dishes that require weaving skills.

A hell of a lot of modern food products sound as if they were developed by a room of adolescent boys hopped up on Mountain Dew and The Fast and the Furious movies, which is a fairly plausible scenario. Many of them are quite successful, and possibly delicious, but there is no arguing that these 10 products sound like they were introduced as a joke:  

10. Doritos 3rd Degree Burn Scorchin' Habanero Tortilla Chips - Typically, invoking the kind of substantial injury that requires hospital care, skin grafts and permanent scarring would constitute bad marketing but this snack food line has proven time and time again that American consumers will see their crazy and raise them tenfold. 

9. DiGiorano Pizza & Cookies/DiGiorano Pizza & Wyngz - For convenience sake, combining dinner and a dessert/side into one package makes sense, but the law of diminishing returns suggests that at some point, the more you add to your frozen pizza, the more "meh" the results. Ah well, put it in the pizza, right?

8. Double Stuf Oreo Cakesters - Comedy writer Daniel Chun (The Office, Simpsons) summarized this tasty treat quite well on his Twitter feed (@dannychun): "There's a product called Double Stuf Oreo Cakesters. That sounds like something dreamed up by a bunch of fat kids on a mandatory hike."

7. The Original Bacon Explosion - Speaking of the Simpsons, if Homer were forced to lead an arts and crafts hour, the end product would likely look something like BBQ Addict's legendary creation: a bacon "weave" layered with two pounds of Italian sausage and topped with crumbled bacon. 

6. Jimmy Dean Blueberry Pancake and Sausage on a Stick - Phase three of the gross breakfast experiment: figure out how to incorporate a layer of cheesy scrambled eggs and diced ham with a drizzle of orange juice.

5. Volcano Burrito from Taco Bell - Admittedly, a fair portion of the newer items on Taco Bell's menu seem ripped from Saturday Night Live (see video below), making it difficult to choose just one. This item from the fast food chain's "Volcano" menu made the cut after reading that it comes stuffed with a double helping of beef, rice, crunchy red tortilla chips, sour cream and the ominous sounding "cheesy molten hot lava sauce." 

4. Ultimate Stuffed Crust Pizza from Pizza Hut - When cheese-stuffed crust became old hat, Pizza Hut introduced a crust crammed with pepperoni, Italian sausage, bacon and cheese. Jesus, show some restraint, guys. What's next, ham slices? A rack of ribs? Some of that traditional "Tuscani" pasta?

3. Domino's Breadbowl Pasta - Greasy carbs inside of (probably greasy) carbs? Again, was Homer Simpson brought in for the R&D team on this one?

2. "The Bomb" Burritos by Don Miguel - Giving your nearly one-pound microwavable convenience store burrito a name like Bomb is basically like telling the consumer to stick within a 20-foot-radius of a bathroom for the next 15 to 30 minutes.

1. The KFC Double Down - The only KFC menu item that could possibly compete with the Famous Bowl (or as Patton Oswalt christened it, the "Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl") in terms of pure comedic value. The "sandwich," which has two pieces of fried chicken where a non-hilarious product would use bread, was introduced as a bit of a lark, but because of customer demand, will stick around indefinitely. If history has shown us anything, it is that this is only the beginning

Follow Clean Plate Charlie on Facebook and on Twitter: @CleanPlateBPB.
KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Tricia Woolfenden