Aziz Ansari's 10 Best Quotes at Hard Rock Live, Hollywood, March 15
Photo by Tyler Ross via Wikipedia Commons
When Aziz Ansari walked onto the stage at the Seminole Hard Rock Live in Hollywood wearing a red velvet suit that can only be described as just really fucking cool, the crowd was already his. And it's not just because he's that guy from that thing.
The 31-year-old has been working harder than just about any comedian out there, releasing a new hour-long special each of the past two years, all while shooting movies, and starring in one of the most beloved comedies on television, Parks and Recreation. He's currently developing material for a fourth special, and the high-heeled, Bud-Light-sipping members of the 5,000-strong Hollywood audience couldn't have been giddier.
Moshe Kasher, who -- if not already -- should be on your comedy radar, opened for Aziz with a twenty minute set. He managed to warm up a pretty restless crowd, and quickly dismantled an early heckler who tried to make fun of his hat by threatening to stick a certain organ in his mouth.
Aziz's set was tight and polished. The majority of his act dealt with the absurdities of the modern relationship, which seems to be a topic no one else is delving into as deeply as he.
Just how the hell is anyone supposed to actually connect in a world where emotions are reduced to emoticons and relationships can be made or broken based on how many exclamation points you stick at the end of a text?
Aziz tackled this and many other similar questions throughout the night. His observations about modern love were real and relatable. He even grabbed a few of the audience members' cell phones to scroll through their conversations with recent suitors.
They were hilarious. And sad. Which made them more hilarious.
But the star of the night was Aziz and his mouth. And these were the 10 greatest things to come out of that freshly shaved, chubby face that night.
10. On what his texts look like on a Sunday when he's trying to make plans for brunch:
"It's this weird list from my best friend to the shittiest person I'd eat eggs benedict with."
9. On how no one will just blindly walk into a restaurant anymore without checking Yelp first:
"Hey, let's go here."
"I don't know. This Asian girl I've never met said a waiter threw a baked potato at her face."
8. On just how much it sucks to be a young, single person going to bars in search of someone you can actually tolerate:
"I'll let you sleep with seven people, and maybe two of them you'll like."
"Sure, what do I have to do?"
"Oh, just poison yourself for hours at a time. For like a thousand nights."
7. On the probability that there is a seriously fucked up person in the audience:
"Someone here has a body somewhere and they don't know what to do with it."
6. On the unhappiness of married couples and family life:
"Single people don't drive into lakes... If a family drives into a lake, people know exactly what happened."
5. On stupidly cheesy wedding speeches:
"Every time I see your eyes, my heart jizzes into my soul."
4. On what a more realistic wedding speech might sound like:
"I love you, but today, part of me feels like I'm buying a Honda Accord."
3. This one speaks for itself:
"Basically, it's statistically impossible to find happiness unless we all jerk off and go to bed."
2. On not texting back:
"What, do you work at the chocolate factory from I Love Lucy?"
1. Aziz gets romantic:
"If you've held someone you love and watched three to ten hours of a critically acclaimed drama, you've experienced the peak of human happiness."
Do yourself a favor, and go see the man live.
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