Once upon a time, gold digging was an art form. You had to master that "No, I'm not just into you for your money" look and not cringe when grandpa swooped in for a tongue kiss. But nowadays it's part of a mutually convenient, publicly acceptable arrangement. For validation, see Larry King and his string of ladies; Anna Nicole Smith and that really old rich dude; or former GE CEO Jack Welch and his 30-years-younger wife — who have been spotted at Seasons 52. If a man's there eating the filet mignon with veggies in a thyme-shallot reduction, he can afford to buy you a drink. And maybe later, a new wardrobe. And a penthouse in Manhattan. In return, you're expected to step up the appearance a notch: heels, manicure, short dress. Boys, you're in luck, too: A young male spy who was once scooped up by four European women and spoiled all over Palm Beach adds, "There's a lot of cougars there, too — a lot of women looking for young beefcake."

New Times has visited the Naked Grape thrice. The first time, we got into a long conversation with a toned fortysomething stud about the relative virtues of Renata Tebaldi and Maria Callas. The second time, we met a queeny young thing who had very interesting things to say about why Wilton Manors would instantly become a bastion of heterosexuality if ever viewed through a Hegelian dialectical lens (we had our doubts about that one, but it's what the man said). The third time, one of the Grape's crack sommeliers effused to us about Schopenhauer's Essays and Aphorisms. This is not the kind of track record you accrue in any old gay bar — and probably not even in most gay wine bars, of which the Naked Grape is one. Nay: this is a weird, weird confluence of forces. Comers to the Naked Grape should bring cleared palates, a desire to socialize, and big brains.

To be fair, most of the people you'll meet at the Women's Theatre Project are not lesbians. Hell, they might not even be women — though there's usually a chick-dominated crowd, there are some nights when the WTP audience is an even split. But plenty of lesbians do show up, and figure anybody bright enough to show up at WTC is one smart cookie. WTC is appallingly underfunded and confined to a tiny (though charming!) studio theater, but it is nevertheless one of the very best arts organizations in South Florida. They tackle smart playwrights like Wendy Wasserstein and Cheryl L. West and tackle them well — figure anyone with enough good taste to appreciate the WTC is gonna be a helluva conversationalist.

Nova Southeastern University boasts colleges of psychological studies, allied health and nursing, dental medicine, medical sciences, optometry, and pharmacy. What NSU decidedly does not offer is anything like a college town and campus. This leaves many very smart people socially frustrated. That's where you come in — to the Health Professions Division Library, perhaps weighted down with Journals of Cranial-Maxillo-Facial Trauma, or better yet, the Archives of Sexual Behavior. Play doctor with these students before they graduate and take the Hippocratic oath.

Tate's Comics

Who's to say that mastering quantum physics or molecular biology is any better a measure of intelligence than slaying D&D monsters or naming all the planets in the Star Wars solar system? At Tate's Comics one scores IQ points for these latter bits of esoteric knowledge, and one can also score a phone number. That's the object of Geek Singles Night, an event launched this year with the help of a flyer that shows Captain Kirk locking lips with Princess Leia. The boldest geeks go through a gauntlet of speed dating booths, where future sweethearts can compare comic book collections. More bashful geeks might prefer to take up a game of Jenga or challenge a rival to a light saber duel. Also, there's beer — because geeks need social lubricants, too.

Stork's is not a bar, and that simple fact is a big part of the reason Stork's is the best place in three counties for chatting up single gay guys. Bars are oppressively loud places where the getting-to-know-you chitchat constitutes gesturing at a stranger in such a way that he knows when to meet you at which bathroom stall. Stork's, on the other hand, is a lively little coffee shop and bakery where the chatter is buoyant but soft. Anyway, lattes make for friendlier conversation than liquor. Drunks are obnoxious.

Stork's again! Unlike most queer joints, Stork's has a poly-chromosomal clientele, and everybody's better for it. Viva la difference.

There are dueling theories about the best ways to meet single men. One is to hit a bar with a busy ladies' night; where the bait is, the sharks will follow. The problem that way is that you can run into too much scantily-dressed competition and the boys tend to behave like they're in a who's-got-the-crispest-striped-button-down-shirt contest. The other way is to hunt the prey on their turf. But sometimes dudes can't divert their eyes from the game and a plate of wings, and it's hard to sneak into the Marlins locker room. You need a place where you can get to know people in a group setting, relieved of the one-on-one pressure of dating; a place where you don't have to dress like a slut and can just stick your hair in a ponytail; a place where getting drunk isn't a prerequisite, although it's an option. You need a place reminiscent of high school. Here's a secret: The World Kickball Association has very little to do with kickball and a whole lot to do with guys wanting to flaunt their athletic prowess while watching you run around in knee socks. And they have nine divisions in Broward and Palm Beach counties.

Best Place to Meet Single Women... If You're Broke

Volunteer Broward

So you don't have a girlfriend or a career? Then the one thing you do have is time, so why not put it toward a pursuit with some social value, especially if could help end your loveless streak? Volunteer Broward acts as a broker, connecting its deep pool of active do-gooders with roughly 600 nonprofits who depend on free labor to serve the community. The women you'll encounter here are totally unlike the ones who shot you down at the bar. Plus, when you're toiling side by side, ladling chicken soup for the unwashed masses, there's no need to coin the perfect pick-up line. Chances are you've already impressed her just by showing up.

Best Place To Meet Single Women... If You're Rich

Riley McDermott's

They begin to appear around nightfall at Riley McDermott's Las Olas entrance, a long line of unescorted knockouts, streaming through the door and across the restaurant's glossy floor in high heels and low necklines, like models in a runway show. Soon their curving figures will line the glowing turquoise bar, perfectly coiffed heads all swiveling in the direction of a passing man's bulge — the wallet, of course. Because these ladies didn't bring a purse, and in such skimpy ensembles there's hardly room for a pocket. So buy a drink for her and her friends. Complain about the market, and remember to scratch your chin with the left hand, slowly, so she can read the word "Rolex." Soon that yacht won't be so lonely.

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