Restaurant Reviews

Dancing the Lobster Quadrille

My "father-un-law" was in town, and I wanted to take him to dinner. Not that I needed to impress him. Here's a guy who drove his battered 1978 Chevy Caprice Classic station wagon — the kind with faux wood-grain siding — until it finally coughed and ground to a permanent halt at 300,000 miles. That car was held together with duct tape and string. His mortified kids had learned to spot classmates and their parents at 500 yards, zipping around in their Audis and Miatas, and throw themselves flat on the floorboards; he could have an entire family of five in the back seat and he'd look like he was tootling around town completely solo.

My unspouse recalls that they never had a box of cereal or a bag of chips or a can of beans in the house that wasn't Pathmark brand. And her father, who still works as a government accountant, hasn't mellowed with age. While he was visiting, they managed to get into a heated argument at Publix over what brand of salad vinegar to buy. I'd sent them off on what was supposed to be a quick and painless errand. He was voting for the least expensive bottle — a five-gallon jug of distilled white laundry vinegar — calculated according to price per ounce. He could have saved us a cool 53 cents if she'd only listened to him.

She finally settled the matter, after 20 minutes of arguing, by citing my dubious reputation for persnickety exactitude. "Do you have any idea what it's like to live with somebody who can blind-taste eight kinds of balsamic and identify each one by vintage and province?"

Naturally, I wanted to take father-un-law to the priciest restaurant I could think of. As it happened, Buckhead Life Restaurant Group was just then making its first foray into the national market — they'd opened a Chops Lobster Bar in Boca Raton. That they'd chosen Boca over New York, Chicago, San Francisco, and Kansas City ought to clue you in about the kind of clientele they were cultivating. The Chops in Atlanta has long held a reputation as the kind of restaurant in which deals are sealed — partnerships forged, seductions furthered — by the kinds of people who like to think of themselves as very smooth indeed. As we waited in the lobby this breezy March night, I was passed by at least three ladies wearing mink jackets. Our table, which we had reserved for 8:45, wasn't ready. The manager, impeccably dressed in a $1,200 suit, was suitably apologetic.

But nothing in life is free, least of all for a gold digger. The Buckhead Life Group, which was founded by Pano Karatassos in 1979 and now runs ten restaurants more or less in the vicinity of Peachtree Road (Karatassos is the rough Atlanta equivalent of our own Burt Rapoport or Dennis Max), had honed the science of making money over the ensuing decades to a fine point. When you can reasonably expect your customers to pay $10 for a wedge of iceberg lettuce, you know your profitability index is pleasantly top-heavy. Here was a ratio of income to outgo that would gladden my father-un-law's heart (particularly since he was able to observe it at no financial burden to himself).

The Boca Chops is divided, like all of Caesar's Gaul, into three parts. There's a spiffy mirrored bar room with marble floors, curvy, cherry-red banquettes, and a piano player. The main dining room is a warren of glam-mahogany nooks and crannies lighted by art-deco sconces, brilliantly accommodating the needs of the mink-jacketed ladies to be seen, alongside their paramours' natural desire for privacy. And then there's the lobster bar, a sort of tongue-in-tail riff on Grand Central Station — all barrel-vaulted, herringbone-tiled ceilings and views of the open kitchen. Many a May-December romance was being conducted in the cuddly semi-circular booths the night we dined in this room, many an opening gambit played over tableside preparations of "classic steak tartare."

Nobody will ever accuse Chop's steak house and seafood menu of taking unnecessary culinary risks, but every bite of food we ate that night was certainly impeccable. There's a fine array of the kind of high-end, aphrodisiac shellfish likely to soften the hearts of 20-year-old maidens toward their distinguished suitors, food that is the gustatory equivalent of little pale-blue boxes holding diamond tennis bracelets. We live in a time where creatures once considered trash food by the upper classes, suitable only for savages who left oyster-shell middens the size of Egyptian pyramids, have become choice delicacies for today's captains of industry: iced cold water oysters — from the northwest coast or the east — cost $24 per dozen. You'd have to spend a minimum of $300 to ingest anything a 16th-century Native American might have considered more than a light, between-meal snack. Jumbo stone crab claws, five-pound Maine lobsters with or without crab stuffing, and whole Dover sole are all priced at Chops as the market will bear.

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Gail Shepherd
Contact: Gail Shepherd