9. Bowling Alleys - Doesn't matter if a Michelin chef himself
prepared the nachos and pizza, after my fingers
have been dipped into the Petri dish of a rental ball's dank holes and
used to shimmy my toes into a pair of what basically amount to another person's feet, I'm gonna want a decent delousing before food enters into the equation.
8. Chuck E. Cheese's - No adult enters Chuck E. Cheese's unless under duress ("Oh! Good! I forgot it was your niece's 9th birthday party! Yay!") or as part of a crew of giggly stoned college kids. Anyone falling outside of those two qualifiers is entirely suspect.
7. Cruise Ships - The midnight buffet on the Starlite deck may be the siren song that causes you to smash your body against the wreckage of Norovirus. The Debbie Downer-approved guide to the perils of modern consumption, aka. "The Safe Food Handbook," cites the prevalence of buffets, close quarters and mass food prep as reasons for the lightning speed at which food-borne illness can spread on a major cruiseline. All really fun things to mention during the course of the first "getting to know you" dinner of your trip!
6. Movie Theaters - In the succinct words of Elaine from "Seinfeld": Movie theater hot dogs; I'd rather lick the food off the floor.
5. Strip Clubs - Going to the strip club cause they have "the best steak in town - seriously!" is like reading Playboy
for the articles. Except, the articles are being ingested by your
body and...OK, this analogy doesn't work. But this item is sort of self-explanatory, right?
4. Gas Stations - Obviously, gas stations and truck stops are resplendent in heavily processed, high-fructose corn syrup and trans fat laden treats. But of much greater concern are those taquitos, rotating hypnotically in their cocoon of heat lamp warmth, just waiting for some poor, hapless stoner to chance upon them with a fistful of change and compromised impulse control.
3. Jai Alai Stadium, Dania Beach - To start, you could try the ambitiously named "International Cheese Plate" - which includes the continental, sandwich-slice-sized offerings of Cheddar, Provolone and Swiss and a mountain of plastic-wrapped crackers - or skip to the main course of half a dozen $3.25 Bud Lights. I recommend the latter.
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2. Aquarium - "Mom? What happened to Dinky the Dolphin?" "Shut up and eat your fish sandwich."
1. Roller Rink - Nothing sparks the appetite like the stench of stale popcorn and sweaty feet. And if you've been to any roller rink in the history of roller rinks, you know that they all, without exception, smell of stale popcorn and sweaty feet.