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USDA Study Reveals Shocking Finding: Americans Eat a Whole Lot of Pizza

There's nothing more American than apple pie, right? Wrong. When was the last time you saw anyone eating a piece of apple pie? Exactly. That's why the USDA in its infinite wisdom conducted a four year study on the taxpayer's dime about the demographics of pizza consumption in this country. And the results were shocking: Turns out there's nothing more American than pizza -- except maybe french fries.

See also: People Who Don't Like Pizza Are People Too

The study found one in eight Americans consume pizza on any given day. Men eat more pizza than women and children eat more pizza than adults.

Percentage of U.S. population who consumed pizza on any given day

Pizza seems to be a very popular thing across races. Maybe someone should tell the Republicans to stop trying to learn Spanish and grab a box of Papa John's instead? Papa means dad in español after all!

Percentage of U.S. population who consumed pizza on any given day, by race/ethnicity

Pizza makes up six percent of a child's total energy. Like ever. Even on days when the kid doesn't eat pizza. It's four percent of an adult's total energy. And on the day pizza is consumed it contributes to 27 percent of the total energy.

Percentage of daily energy intake contributed by pizza among consumers of pizza

In addition to all those carbs, pizza also provides a third of the day's calcium on the day it's eaten. And it gives you half your daily supply of lycopene too. So stop sucking on McDonald's ketchup packets for lycopene when you can simply order a pizza! ...But maybe don't eat Chinese food and pizza on the same day since pizza uses up 35 percent of the day's sodium allowance.

Percentage of daily intake of energy and selected nutrients contributed by pizza

among children and adults who consumed pizza

Turns out kids don't care what meal they're eating pizza for. Whether it's on Pizza Friday at the school cafeteria or on Friday night when Mom was too lazy too cook, the kiddies can't get enough pizza. Adults however prefer to eat pizza for dinner because during office hours no one is willing to admit they eat anything besides quinoa and tofu.

Percentage of pizza consumed by eating occasion for children and adults

Alright America: Stay calm and pizza on.

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Jess Swanson is a staff writer at New Times. Born and raised in Miami, she graduated from the University of Miami’s School of Communication and wrote briefly for the student newspaper until realizing her true calling: pissing off fraternity brothers by reporting about their parties on her crime blog. Especially gifted in jumping rope and solving Rubik’s cubes, she also holds the title for longest stint as an unpaid intern in New Times history. She left the Magic City for New York to earn her master’s degree from Columbia University School of Journalism, where she spent a year profiling circumcised men who were trying to regrow their foreskins for a story that ultimately won the John Horgan Award for Critical Science Journalism. Terrified by pizza rats and arctic temperatures, she quickly returned to her natural habitat.
Contact: Jess Swanson

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