Pool Party's Creep Guirdo Admits "Crocs Are Shoes," Releases New Seven-Inch

South Florida is no stranger to the summertime shenanigans of a quad of deranged eternal teenagers the Icelandic press once proclaimed "greater than the touch of God between your legs." But who are, rather, what is Pool Party? A prolific rock 'n' roll power combo for sure. Eighty-degree-weather-clad young men? Yes. Enigmas wrapped within the overpartied carcass of a mystery? Why not?

See also:
- Pool Party's "Teenage Weirdo" Video Heralds the Official End of Summer!
- Pool Party Tackles Social Issues With the Upcoming Teenage Weirdo Seven-Inch
- Pool Party's Creep Guirdo Demands That Ponderosa Not Name Their Next Album "Pool Party"

If anything, Pool Party has long represented the idea, theory, and execution of fun. How it managed to convince Chicago's Mooster Records to pony up hard currency to satisfy its recording whims will not be fully explained within these digital pages, but singer, Svengali, and, at times, road-rash manager Creep Guirdo did find a little time in his busy schedule to discuss the band and give us some advice.

New Times: Would you say that you can have a pool without a party or even, in that same vein, a party without a pool?

Creep Guirdo: A pool without a party barely qualifies as a puddle. While you shouldn't have a party without a pool, you can. And this is how to: Strip down as seminude as you feel comfortable, keep your Chucks on, ingest everything and everyone in sight, set three boomboxes to play the first three Ramones LPs simultaneously, and you'll be having a pool-free pool party in no time. Well, not "no time"; it'll take about 30 minutes.

I had the opportunity or, rather, the medical condition, that required an MRI last year. You've described your personal experience in the past as something not as medical, but more "time machine-y." You've also claimed that in the future, "everybody" wears shoes. All I fucking saw were sandals; what gives?

As much as I hate to admit it, sandals are shoes. Crocs are shoes too. I know it's messed-up. It's wrong, it's offensive, but people get away with it.

There is a wild theory circulating within local journalistic circles that Pool Party "stole" anywhere between 95 and 127 percent of the late, great Barry White's undiscovered back catalog. How do you feel about these allegations, and what is your non-legal-counsel-advised retort on that?

We're going to reference -- as we always do -- Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, 510 U.S. 569 (1994). It states, explicitly and clearly, if you use music to make a party of it, no one can sue you. We'd like to thank 2 Live Crew for laying down the long hard law on that one for us.

There's a seven-inch and a CD. If you could tell the ladies right now, what makes seven inches of recycled Jamaican wax a much better option than a shiny five-inch slab of retro-fabulous dead technology?

It's the ladies who tell our bassist Dick Dumb that they love his nine inches the best. They do stuff to him, like "this is great; it's like more inches than normal." So using the "bigger penis is better than smaller penis" logic, bigger record is better than smaller record. And when the ladies say, "Oh, yeah, it's not the size of the disc that matters; it's the amount of megabytes it stores," they are lying.

And what was the work behind the single and the CD? What labels were involved in the transaction?

Initially, there were no labels behind it. We put all of the money we made from sweating topless on stages into a pile and went into the studio. 

Those sweaty dollars turned into the 12 hits on the CD. Brandon from Mooster Records in Chicago is on a winning streak right now, so we put some more of our flesh-and-bone money into a pile with his cash and co-released these things.

"Pool Party Party"

You guys have already had a chart-topping greatest-hits album put out by the now-defunct Livid Records; is that disc still available, and if so, where? Moreover, is the Pool Party that destroyed horses, Scandinavia, and hymens at large the same danger dudes who are willing to defile our youth in 2013?

That CD is available from us, Mooster Records, and the internet. We are the same teenagers we've been since we met in 2001. What we did to those horses was unintentional; we thought we were raising money to get them houses, not to get them in slaughterhouses. Regarding Scandinavia and those hymens, our P.O. Box is flooded with thank-you notes.

Where do you guys keep your Emmy refusal slips?

We don't keep shit -- we didn't pick up our 2009 Grammy for Best Use of Flanger, and we're certainly not picking up 2013's for Best Original Sexy Record of the Year.

Is there any truth to the rumors of a "tell all" book ghost-written by Stephen King's love child Dean Koontz in the works?

A little bit; it's a collaboration between us and King. We do tell our all, but it is the sequel to The Langoliers, and it is going to be a straight-to-YouTube, made-for-TV movie.

What is next for Pool Party? Are Kendall and Lake Worth places you'd like to lay siege unto? Or just lay into?

We're doing the show with the Queers, Teenage Bottlerocket, and Masked Intruder at Churchill's Friday; after, we'll probably record a few more seven-inches and head to California in the summer. Anytime we do anything in Kendall or Lake Worth, it's because of by accident or getting lost because Hand Gloveless can't read the map because he doesn't know how to read.

To close on a positive note, imagine this, or just stare into my eyes: I'm a 35-year-old bald, heterosexual and pudgy guy. What advice do you have for a person of my "caliber" when it comes to the ladies?

Son, all you have to do is stare into the lady's eyes with the same soulless stare you are using on me. I want to be a lady for you right now.

You can purchase the CD and seven-inch from iTunes here or from Mooster Records here.

The Queers, Teenage Bottlerocket, and Masked Intruder featuring Pool Party at 8 p.m. on Friday, February 22 at Churchill's, 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami. Tickets cost $12 in advance online at Slammie.MusicToday.com and by phone at 800-594-TIXX, $15 at the door. Call 305-757-1807, or visit churchillspub.com.

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