Happy birthday! It's hard to believe that just 71 years ago, you arrived on this planet, a French rolling pin in one hand and a glitter-dusted pinecone in the other.
You are truly an inspiration. Through the years, your magazines and television series have shown us common folks a life that we will never have -- ever.
Thanks to you, I've spent my life dreaming of owning a home with endless racks of perfectly polished copper pots. Each time I open my fridge, I secretly pray that it will be
filled with an infinite supply of yule logs, cloudberries, and ostrich eggs. I haven't washed my windows in over two years and I can't keep up with my laundry, but not you. Even when you
were under house arrest after accidentally misinforming the SEC, you still found
the time to keep all 153 acres of your Bedford home looking pristine while continuing to design over-priced bedding for your Kmart line. You never cease to amaze me.
Martha, you are the quintessential celebrity. You get faded in the Hamptons with P. Diddy, kill Thanksgiving turkeys with your bare hands, and can effortlessly fold fitted sheets, which as you know is no small feat. You've spent a lifetime working tirelessly to remind us that we'll never be better than you-- ever. Thank you for your dedication.
Everyone else: In case you've forgotten why you are merely a grain of sanding sugar in the Martha's gingerbread house of life, here are five more reasons the domestic ice queen is better than you.
5. Martha can make it rain better than you.
4. Martha can use the F-word more discreetly than you.
3. Martha can plank better than you.
2. In the bedroom, Martha gets freakier than you.
1. Martha gets crunk with Snoop Dogg more often than you.
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