Food News

Happy Birthday, Martha Stewart! Five Surprising Reasons the Ice Queen is Better Than You

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Thanks to you, I've spent my life dreaming of owning a home with endless racks of perfectly polished copper pots. Each time I open my fridge, I secretly pray that it will be

filled with an infinite supply of yule logs, cloudberries, and ostrich eggs. I haven't washed my windows in over two years and I can't keep up with my laundry, but not you. Even when you

were under house arrest after accidentally misinforming the SEC, you still found

the time to keep all 153 acres of your Bedford home looking pristine while continuing to design over-priced bedding for your Kmart line. You never cease to amaze me.

Martha, you are the quintessential celebrity. You get faded in the Hamptons with P. Diddy, kill Thanksgiving turkeys with your bare hands, and can effortlessly fold fitted sheets, which as you know is no small feat. You've spent a lifetime working tirelessly to remind us that we'll never be better than you-- ever. Thank you for your dedication.

Yours faithfully,

Everyone else: In case you've forgotten why you are merely a grain of sanding sugar in the Martha's gingerbread house of life, here are five more reasons the domestic ice queen is better than you.

5. Martha can make it rain better than you.

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Misha Grosvenor